Ambivalance

Had a job interview today. The boss said that my prelim results are quite bad. Which I secretly admitted but have not accepted. I've got no social life at all. I don't need to entertain any of my friends and I'm not in a relationship. That means my life consists purely of school stuffs and some private time with myself. Why on earth am I not doing well? I have all the time right? And all these time were not well-spent I guess. I didn't enjoy being a 17/18 year-old and I didn't get good grades despite such miserable life. What a loser.

I know that I'm not the naturally-smart kind, so I tried to make up the intelligence with diligence. This works at O level, not A level.

"Is this your best?"

I often ask myself when I see my grades. So fucked up. I cause myself all these pain and misery. I'm putting my own future at stake.

"So are you confident of your A levels?"

This sentence just go round and round in my head. Please give me a break. People around me like to convince me or themselves that I'll do well. What for if my ability is just, there?

I know that people meant well when they think or tell me that I'm able to get good grades, but I seriously hate hearing them because they are adding unnecessary stress on me. You are not me and you don't know what I'm going through and you're not the one whose taking the exam or face the consequences of whatever results I get. So shut up.

I always tell my friends not to think too much bout our results because we can't do anything about it. But in the end, I realised that I'm actually the one who kept thinking about it.

I feel so useless and worthless. I've got no talent. I'm not smart. I'm not good-looking. I don't contribute to the society. Nobody needs me right? Why am I here?